This week several things caused me to reflect on resilience. What makes some people more resilient than others?
The first thing likely to develop resilience is a feeling of belonging within a family and feeling supported, encouraged, and accepted by that family. As a child begins to recognise its own separateness and interaction with the world the child will naturally be alerted to and begin to recognise dangers. The child begins to interact more with others, in addition to their family, and in time, will learn to form friendships. During this time, by a process of association and assimilation, the child learns about actions and reactions… causes and effects…. The behaviour the child observes in certain situations, and the reactions the child perceives to its own behaviour will play a big part in developing the early stages of resilience. [This article describes some of the strategies for helping to build resilience in children: https://www.psycom.net/build-resilience-children]. Unfortunately, not all of us experience the ideal circumstances for building resilience or the role models to inspire us …but that doesn’t mean there is no hope – and ‘hope’ is a rather good thing to keep in mind!
What can be done if experiences and circumstances made us less resilient than we want to like to be?
One factor is not to be too proud to seek support when it is needed. This might be confiding in a trusted relative, friend, or colleague; or seeking support from a health worker. This is not a sign of weakness. Having the courage and the honesty to accept and deal with your own challenges is a sign of strength. We are not mean to live in isolation. We are social beings; and very often just the fact of knowing we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings can provide us with some resilience. Knowing that our feelings are empathised with, understood, and not discounted, is another key factor.
Sometimes when things go wrong in life certain people might be tempted to go into denial, pushing the discomfort and pain into the background and perhaps masking it with the use of alcohol, drugs, binging on unhealthy foods, sinking into the sofa watching TV for more hours than is necessary, unhelpful sexual liasons, shopping sprees, getting hooked on social media, or whatever else distracts us and temporarily relieves the discomfort…. but if matters are not addressed they will still be there regardless of the distractions. So as well as seeking some help and support, another important factor is to maintain a healthy lifestyle - and that does not mean you can’t binge out on a generous helping of whatever on occasions – just not too many occasions J.
When we are initially faced with difficult situations there is a tendency to experience what some might term “negative” emotions; well, perhaps they are not so much negative than natural emotions. Such emotions are understandable. Sometime sit is good to accept these uncomfortable emotions and to try to gain some insight into the kinds of thoughts you are having at the time and the way it is making your body feel… where do you feel the emotions and what does it feel like? It might be worth jotting down a few notes to reflect on at some later date. These emotions are only damaging if they start to become the norm, and if they continue to such an extent that a person feels unable to surface from them. Therefore, trying to see things from a different perspective can be very helpful. If you are unable to do this then, again, a trusted friend or a professional health worker could help. Is negative thinking getting so ingrained that you are unable to see the bigger picture? Is it possible the situation could be perceived in another way? Is there only one way it can be viewed? If not how many ways might it be viewed? Trying to think outside the situation will help develop problem solving strategies. It might also help a person see that actually there are some positives in the situation; or the situation isn’t as bad as they first perceived, or, even though it is bad now, it is not without hope and it will not last forever… Sometimes this helps a person not to “Catastrophise” (i.e. thinking irrationally about the situation; imagining it is much worse than it is or that it will lead to terrible events… even though such events have not actually happened or there is no definite likelihood they will happen).
Another important factor is whether a person feels they are the victim or whether they feel they have any control over the situation. “Locus of Control” [The Locus of Control conceptwas developed in 1954 by Julian B. Rotter and the ‘Social-learning Theory of Personality”]. If someone feels they have control over an outcome then they have an internal locus of control. However, if they feel they are at the mercy of external forces they are said to have an external locus of control.
Those with an internal locus of control tend to take control of situations, problem solve more effectively and have higher levels of confidence and self-esteem; whereas, those with an external locus of control tend to always see themselves as victims of circumstances. That isn’t to say that some people are not victims of circumstance. It is the desire, the determination, and the strength, to overcome that unfortunate circumstance that makes for resilience.
When helping someone towards greater resilience it is important to consider a balance between challenging and motivating them; and supporting them. It is no good telling them how they ‘should be’ or ‘should not be’ behaving. It is vital to remember you are not in their predicament; even if you think you have been in the same predicament it isn’t a given that two people will experience things in exactly the same way, with the same depth, and coming from the same background. Telling them, or indicating to them, just how bad they are doing is unlikely to promote their confidence and self-esteem. Just consider they may have developed from a situation where that has happened before, and that might just be why they are not resilient in the first place.
Some inspirational quotes:
“Smooth seas do not make skilful sailors.” African Proverb
“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.” — Thomas Carlyle
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor Frankl
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Thomas A. Edison
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." Dale Carnegie
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