Many people confuse jealousy and envy. Jealousy is when a person feels their relationship is threatened by their partner’s association, or desire, for another person; or when some activity is perceived to be more important to the partner than is his/her involvement with the jealous person. Therefore it usually involves a third person or thing.
Extreme jealousy can cause a person to start behaving in suspicious and anxious ways. They may start questioning every little thing, interrogating the person, deliberately undermining the person to try to destroy their confidence; bad-mouthing people the partner is involved with or making subtle negative suggestions about them. They do this in the hope of alienating the person, and thereby removing all possible threats to the relationship.
However, this might bring about the very thing they most fear, i.e. driving away the desired person. The situation becomes claustrophobic and unbearable for the person targeted with this behaviour. The targeted person might start to feel so anxious and might become secretive and less communicative, fearing the slightest thing they say may cause an inquest.
By comparison, envy is when a person wants something another person has. It involves a feeling of begrudging, not being pleased for the person who has the desired thing. It involves a feeling of wanting to take that thing from the other person. This might be a material possession, an achievement, a quality, or a talent.
Psychologists have made the distinction stating that jealousy is the desire to keep what one has, whilst envy is the desire to get what one does not have.
Both Jealousy and envy can trigger different emotions, such as anger, resentment, and fear (of loss), although fear is more associated with jealousy than with envy. A person who has been taught that jealousy and envy are bad may also be tormented by guilt and shame.
The emotions can also result in unhelpful behaviours such as being manipulative, controlling, or possessive, distancing oneself from the partner or person who is envied, being in denial that anything is wrong, trying to conceal the true feelings by becoming overly attentive or helpful, or reacting with anger and violence.
Envy can be very destructive especially if it becomes a dominant emotion. It can be destructive both for the envious person and the person they are envious of. It can cause a person to be a “false friend”, someone who is there when you are down because it makes them feel powerful and superior (particularly in the case of the narcissistic character). However, once you begin to do well the envious person can suddenly become unavailable, not as helpful, negative about your achievements, or critical - either subtly or explicitly.
Psychologists have suggested two types of envy (1) malicious envy, and (2) benign envy.
Malicious envy is when the envious person is actually happy when you do not do well, or when you suddenly lose what you have achieved. Such people are ‘poisonous’ to have in your life as, to some degree, they will always be trying to drag you down.
Benign envy is sometimes described as a positive emotion because it drives the envious person to want to be more like the person they envy… to have the talents, the qualities, the lifestyle. It is seen as a form of healthy competition. However, I would take issue with that. It is because envy requires some degree of wanting to take away what the other person has… whereas admiration and aspiring to be more like the other person does not, so there is nothing ‘benign’ about it.
Most of us, if not all of us, feel even a small amount of envy at some time in our lives. It is when this emotion takes over a large part of how we feel towards another person or persons that it becomes an issue. If we experience this it is wise to consider what it is causing the envy. It can stem from past experiences, low-self-esteem, and inadequacy. Once these feelings are addressed and resolved the sense of worth is gaged less by another person’s success or failure. Instead it is gaged by our personal efforts and achievements. And, after all, what is the point of wasting so much energy on such a negative and destructive feeling?
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