Following on from the post about jealousy and envy; what can be done about it?
Sometimes it is not practical to remove envious people from your life, they might be relatives or work colleagues for example.
A person might actually confess to being envious. You have the choice of asking them to say more about the nature of the envy, what are they envious of and why. Of course they might not want to tell you, or they might appear to tell you but not actually be truthful…
There might be a chance you feel inclined to help the person. For instance if a person is envious of your ability to easily communicate with others you might want to include them more or help them find a social group designed to help people with social skills. However, you cannot be sure that such a person might then go on to envy you about something else. On the surface they might seem grateful for your help but they may retain an underlying wish to prove they can outdo you; so the relationship becomes a highly competitive and subversive one.
If it is not possible to remove the person from your life it might be wise to just keep them at a distance, for instance, if you plan to do something that enhances your life or achievements in any way it might be best to keep it to yourself until after you have achieved it and established yourself in whatever the project is. Also, to minimise envious responses it might be wise to not be so revealing about your achievements, intentions, and ambitions. It might be better to underplay what you are capable of, or what you have, or intend to have in your life. This might be difficult for a person who is naturally open, trusting, and communicative.
Some people use envy to boost their ego. They deliberately boast and brag. They like it if others are envious; although it is rarely, if ever, a good idea. Is it really helpful to create a circle of “friends” who wish they could take away what you have, or secretly wishing you would not do well?
Recently, I overheard a conversation between a young child and his mother. He said he had only bought an item from his pocket money because he wanted to make his friend jealous (he meant envious – See the previous post for the distinction between jealousy and envy. Basically, Jealousy is based on a fear of loss whilst envy originates from feelings of inferiority). His mother asked why he wanted to do that. He said he wanted to make the person like him more and he wanted him to think he was more “cool”…. Well perhaps his friend might have considered him more cool but it would not guarantee being better liked.
Of course, we need to also make the distinction between envy and admiration. I overheard another conversation on a train. One woman was showing another woman a dress she had bought. The viewer said: “Oh lovely! I’m green!” (with envy)…. Presumably it was a dress she could have also bought, thereby getting rid of her “envy”, but this seemed more a comment of admiration (of similar taste) than envy. Her facial expression and gestures didn’t indicate she begrudged her friend having the dress; and begrudging another something, trying to undermine the person, or secretly hoping what they have is taken from them, is the dangerous side of envy.
What can you do if you are the sufferer of envy? Rather than let this negative emotion eat away at you it is better to find a solution. If you feel confident enough that the person you are envious of will respond in a helpful and confidential way then you could speak to them and ask for their advice and/or help with the matter you are envious about. This is assuming it will help rid you of the emotion, which it might not do if you are generally envious about numerous things.... Another thing you can do is to overcome your feelings of lack by taking positive actions to improve that area of your life. For instance, if you are envious that your colleague has more friends than you then join some social clubs. If you feel your friend is better at tennis than you, then take some lessons or join tennis club where you might get help improving. A really beneficial thing you could try is to keep a small notebook with you and every day jot down the things you did really well, the things you are naturally good at, and the things in life you are grateful for. We can make all sorts of judgements about others but unless we know everything about another person's life it is impossible to know what trials and tribulations they might have suffered to get to the apparent "enviable" state. I was once told of an Egyptian proverb that went something like; "If you could go to a marketplace to exchange troubles with others you would probably decide to keep your own". We cannot all achieve everything and we all, therefore, are better at some things than others. If there is something you would like and it is impossible to obtain then it is better to be mindful of your qualities. It is better to be mindful of what you do have rather than dwell on what you don't have. Consider what caused the envious nature... Perhaps your siblings or cousins were held up as always being better and achieving more than you? Perhaps someone, a teacher, a caregiver, a best friend, said something particularly hurtful that has remained with you through the years? Perhaps you were raised in an environment of excessive and unhealthy competition?... The saddest thing is envy eats away at us. It is not a positive and energy giving feeling. And, by giving way to it you might be robbing yourself of experiencing the very special friendships formed through mutual help and support....
If envy is still a problem for you then it might be worth speaking with a counsellor and finding the root cause of your envy. The good thing about speaking through a problem with a counsellor is that it remains confidential. You can speak about practically anything safe in the knowledge that it will not be repeated to your family, friends, or work colleagues.
As a side note, it is interesting how envy is associated with the colour green. In some therapies (the Indian Ayurvedic medical system) the colour green is associated with the heart chakra. In this system it is associated with the feelings of empathy, compassion, kindness, and love. When is a blockage in this area it is said to bring about various negative energies including lack of compassion, jealousy, and narcissistic tendencies.
NB. This article is for general interest purposes only. It does not make any claims about certain medical systems. Before considering any treatment it is advisable to do some research and seek medical advice.
References:
https://www.livescience.com/42153-ayurveda.html
https://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/ayurvedic-treatments#1
https://nccih.nih.gov/health/ayurveda/introduction.htm
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancer-in-general/treatment/complementary-alternative-therapies/individual-therapies/ayurvedic-medicine
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