Anger, Aggression, and Passive Aggression
There are many articles on anger. Some way anger is never a good feeling because it is basically a wish to do harm to another, whether that be a conscious or an unconscious desire. Others say anger is a good emotion because, used effectively, it allows a person to speak out about what it is they do not like. This is usually something that has caused pain or in some way offended or degraded the angry person. I have also read that anger is good because it helps express the passion someone feels about a certain injustice; particularly in public speaking.
Anger can result from numerous beliefs or feelings one has about oneself… perhaps feelings of hurt, inadequacy, insecurity, abandonment, and injustice…. The recipient of actions which have caused these “symptoms” may not have found a means to address or resolve them and so they present as frustration and anger. Sometimes the person may experience depression, which is said to be anger turned inwards. For instance the angry person may wish to harm another or wish harm upon another. Whether or not the person does anything to bring the harm about they may start to feel guilty about their desires and end up despising their self for the terrible thoughts and feelings towards the other person/or people. If the feeling is too much to bear it may be suppressed and show itself in other ways.
Sometimes supressed anger is acted out in other ways by self-harm or acts of masochism and/or sadomasochism
In my opinion controlled anger is not a bad thing. It allows a person to speak up and be heard, about situations that are unjust, situations where a person has been treated as lesser than, or treated disrespectfully in some way. However, it is far more effective to address these concerns in a controlled way rather than be perceived and labelled as a “trouble maker”, or “mad”, or an out-of-control aggressive with some kind of personal deficiency – because, even if a person is right to protest, there will always be some people who want to disregard it and make the protester appear as the wrongdoer, stupid, or crazy. In my opinion reacting in aggressive ways does no favours for the person or their cause, however right they maybe.
There is also the viewpoint that aggression is merely a bruised ego. If the human race weren’t so egotistical we would all be better off. It is said to be best to ‘turn the other cheek’ and an “eye for an eye”, and a “tooth for a tooth” does nothing more than make the whole world blind… In some cases yes, but not if it is controlled aggression; not if a person is simply stating their case and telling another person/persons that it is not acceptable to be treated in a certain way. In some circumstances adopting the “turn the other cheek” strategy might mean certain people (and even their off-spring) continue to get treated badly and subjected to injustices. There is nothing wrong with being assertive and standing up for oneself. It doesn’t mean that one has to go into full attack mode; because then they have lost their battle and become as bad (if not more) than their offender.
So what can be done about anger that leads to potential aggression?
[A] Acknowledge your feelings of hurt and upset. It is healthier than suppressing them and building up feelings or resentment – or for the situation to turn into other feelings which mask the original event, thereby making it more difficult to pin point and resolve in the future.
[B] Look back into the past. When was the first time you had the same or a similar feeling? What happened? Who was there? What was said about you or the situation? How did it make you feel… I mean, how did it make you feel other than angry… before the anger set in were you made to feel stupid, lesser than, unimportant, unloved, rejected….What would have been your immediate response if you could have done anything? Would you have cried? Hit the person? Taken revenge in some way? Spoke up against the person?
[C] Learn how to get a healthy response to situations where you might feel hurt or unjustly treated.
Just remember, however hurt, under-valued, or denigrated, you might feel through another person’s actions it is never weak to admit it to yourself. It is, in fact, a sign of strength. Also remember that unkind actions from others are often about their insecurities, their prejudices, and their lacking…. Not yours.
Passive aggression - is another form of anger. Perhaps a person is not comfortable with the anger they feel. They may have been taught anger is a bad thing, or sinful. Therefore that person may go into denial about their anger and yet behave in ways which subtly undermine or cause aggravation to the person their anger is directed at. This can be the worse form of anger for someone on the receiving end. As it is so subtle the recipient might find it difficult to express exactly what it is the other person is doing that affects them so much. To others the situations described may sound petty and even childish; and yet the behaviour constantly eats away at their self-esteem and heightens their stress levels. It is a vindictive form of anger.
Passive-aggressives employ strategies such as being deliberately obstructive (denying it by attributing it to something else entirely, then blaming others); behaving as a victim, or as if they are “dumb”… exhibiting “learned-helplessness.” This is usually for the purposes of being intentionally inefficient. Habitual lateness is another possible behaviour, as are deliberately or habitually failing to complete or even start tasks (procrastination), expressing sullenness, resentment, ridicule, sarcasm, feigning “forgetfulness (especially when it is linked to doing a task someone else is relying on them to do); feigning compliance, giving “back-handed” compliments… i.e. making an unclear remark that could either be taken as a compliment or an insult.For instance: “You always look so good in photographs. You are very photogenic” (could also mean: “You look much better than you are”).
The passive-aggressive might avoid direct communication or say things in such a way that they are not clear and muddled. They might makes excuses and be evasive when their partner or colleagues want to discuss problems.
The underlying cause might be repressed emotions or behaviours due to a need for acceptance (for instance in a situations where certain behaviours or expression may have been forbidden and the person treated as sinful). They may have a hidden resentment toward another person or authority figures (perhaps from unresolved issues with their parents, education or caregivers). They might feel resentful towards those who have abilities about which the passive-aggressive feels inadequate. They usually hide their anger, perhaps claiming they never get angry, or that they are “claiming the moral high-ground” (presenting as if their attitudes and beliefs are superior to others). They may feel inadequate, fearing real intimacy. They avoid confrontation. Pretending not to understand is a typical passive-aggressive strategy.
Sometimes passive-aggressives deliberately evoke frustration and anger in others by all the behaviours already describes. They also use the described behaviours rather than admitting and verbalising their own anger, resentment or other feelings.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/about-anger/
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-passive-aggressive-behavior-2795481
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/controlling-anger/
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